D-….Shit, There is no picture of a fence to use. Dammit.

If you are Grizz fans like me, and you’ve been a fan of this team for years, this year I’m sure youve spit water at your flat-screen several times and uttered this:

“Holy Fucksack! They’re playing defense!”

Okay, so maybe you don’t say fucksack.

Have you noticed? Noone has scored 100 on us as of yet. Of course, neither have we.

We have rebounders.

Are we the Lakers on defense? No. But are we the Grizzlies on defense? Absolutely not.

You all can thank Kevin O’Neill for that.

Coach O’Neill’s arrival was originally thought to be an instant undermining of Head Coach Iavaroni but that isn’t the case in my opinion. Ivy came from the Suns, and we all know about their legendary commitment to (no) defense. O’Neill is a defensive whiz, and it has shown. He also has the temperment to light a fire under these players and turn them into defensive dynamos. While I remain cautiously optimistic about Coach Iavaroni since he is about as experienced a head coach as our players are in the NBA, he simply will never be a fiery coach. He is relaxed. These young guys need a force, a coach with a match and a gas can ready to spark it right under their sphincters. That is where O’Neill comes into play, and why our “two-headed coach” just might be working this season.

For the players, many of who on this team who never have had a fiery coach in the NBA, they either know Barone or Iavaroni (What is with the fucking Italians?) and probably did not know what to expect from Kevin O’Neill.

In this inagural edition of GrizzInYourFace’s Look Inside The Team, I present to you my interpretation of how the first team meeting with Ivy and O’Neill took place.

**The team is gathered in the film room**

Iavaroni comes sauntering in, crown of hibiscus adorning his head, and wearing a Julius Caesar robe and a peace necklace.

IVY: Hello, guys! I trust you have already watched the film while I was getting my offensive schemes ready for the next game…..BAHAHAHAH!! Just a little joke, guys. I dont have any offensive schemes!

TEAM: We didnt watch the film.

IVY: Oh, well thats ok. I’ll just say we did. Anyway guys, as you may have heard, we have a new coach joining us. Please say Hello to Kevin O’Neill, your new defensive coordinator!

Kevin O’Neill busts through film room wall, Kool-Aid man style.

KEVIN: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! IM READY TO ROLL, MOTHERFUCKERS! I TOOK MY ROGAINE, A SILVER BULLET, A VIAGRA, A PACKET OF STACKER 2 AND IM SUCKIN ON A THROAT LOZENGE! D-FENSE! D-FENSE!

TEAM: Hi Coach O’Neill.

KEVIN: DONT HI ME, YOU BUCKET OF WET PUSSIES! YOUR SOFTER THAN WET TISSUE! YOU CALL YOURSELVES A TEAM?? YOUR FORMER STAR PLAYER GOT CALLED OUT BY JAKE TSAKALIDIS! JAKE FUCKING TSAKALIDIS CALLED YOU OUT ON DEFENSIVE INTENSITY??

IVY: Well Kevin, I’ve tried to work with them on defense, especially the big men in the post.

KEVIN: SHUT UP SKELETOR! YOUR LURCH LOOKING ASS COULDNT GET THESE PLAYERS MOVING ON DEFENSE! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS TEAM’S DEFENSE ON THE PICK AND ROLL? STEPHEN HAWKING HAS MORE LATERAL QUICKNESS!

TEAM: Umm…We’re right here…

IVY: Guys, he doesn’t mean it….He’s just angry. Kevin, can we talk about this when you calm down?

KEVIN: I AM CALM, GODDAMMIT! SEE THESE VEINS IN MY FOREHEAD?? THAT MEANS IM ALIVE!!!!!!!

HAKIM: Coach O’Neill, I dont think I need work on my defense. I think I need more shots per game. I’m playing for a contract! If I can get more shots per game, hopefully some shitty team like the Thunder or the Bobcats will overpay for me thinking I’m “versatile.”

KEVIN: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU, STARVIN MARVIN? YOU, WITH THAT FUCKING BEARD THING! GODDAMMIT SON, THAT LOOKS LIKE A RETARD ATE A CHOCOLATE BAR IN THE SUN AND HALF OF IT MELTED ON ITS CHIN! ARE YOU A RETARD? AND WHAT KIND OF NAME IS HAKIM, ANYWAY? WHERE’S ERIC B, HAKIM? YOU WANNA GET “PAID IN FULL, HUH?” MORE SHOTS PER GAME MY ASS! YOU TAKE MORE SHOTS IN PEOPLES FACES THAN LEXINGTON STEELE!

HAKIM: Umm…That’s Eric B and RAKIM, Coach…and who is Lexington Steele?

IVY: Yeah, I dont know who that is. Is he a ballhog?

KEVIN: HE’S A PORN STAR. I LIKE TO WATCH ANGRY FACIAL PORN! IT SOOTHES ME!

IVY: Dear God why?

KEVIN: Did you ever see my work with the Raptors? I needed a form of release!!

IVY: Well I wish I had known that was around last season.

KEVIN: WELL THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE AROUND HERE THATS FOR SURE. IM GOING TO WHIP YOU FUCKING FAIRY FURBURGERS INTO WELL TIGHTENED VIRGIN VAGINAS, READY TO POP YOUR CHERRIES ON DEFENSE! HOOOOOOOOORAAAAHHHHHHH!

RUDY: This man scares me.

KYLE: He scares me too, Rudy! Man, he sure scares me! Right? I mean, whatever you say I agree man, cuz that keeps me having playing time! I get in with the star, baby!

RUDY: For real, Kyle. This dude is scarier than Hamed Haddadi’s smile. You ever seen his teeth? Makes Pau look like a toothpaste model.

HADDADI: Booga Booga Booga. (Fuck You. I like Camels and Goats. Death to America.)

KEVIN: WHO THE FUCK IS HADDADI—SHIT, YOURE TALLER THAN THE WORL-NEVER MIND. CHRIST, YOURE UGLY. YOUR FACE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE A PERMANENT MONEY SHOT EXPRESSION.

IVY: Kev-

KEVIN: SORRY, ANOTHER PORNO REFERENCE.

MAYO: First I get drafted to Memphis, and now I get this crazy fuck?

IVY: I know its been hard, OJ and thats why on our practice board in the locker room I gave you an extra gold star.

MAYO: Sweet. Does that mean I get more money? These cars and clothes arent going to pay for themselves.

IVY: Of course it doesnt, but Coach Ivy’s got you some fresh baked cookies!

TEAM: Oooh! I want cookies!!

RUDY: Aw, these are chocolate chip. I like macadamia.

KYLE: Yeah! Man Rudy, youre right again! I love me some macadamia! The only thing I love more than macadamia is a starting PG job or at least 28-32 minutes a game! So I love me some macadamia!

KEVIN: ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING MACADAMIA! EVERYONE LISTEN UP! YOU WILL NOT BE THE GRIZZLIES OF OLD, ANYMORE! I AM GOING TO CHANGE THIS DEFENSIVE PHILOSOPHY, OR LACK THEREOF. IVY CAN BE YOUR MOMMY, AND I WILL BE THE STEPDADDY THAT BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, COMES HOME DRUNK AND MAYBE FONDLES YOU A COUPLE OF TIMES. UNDERSTAND??

TEAM: Yes, Coach O’Neill.

KEVIN: WHATS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING??

TEAM: Winning.

KEVIN: THATS RIGHT, COCKSUCKERS! NOW COMMIT TO DEFENSE, AND MAYBE I WONT HAVE TO JACK YOU UP LIKE A CAR ON THE SIDE OF A SOUTH MEMPHIS STREET!

IVY: He doesn’t mean this, you guys.

KEVIN: YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASS IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH, WOMAN!

IVY: I wish you wouldn’t do this in front of the kids.

KEVIN: GRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! I NEED ANOTHER THROAT LOZENGE AND A BOOTLEG DVD OF “SHOT IN THE EYE, AND YOU’RE TO BLAME.”

**End scene**

~ by grizzinyourface on November 4, 2008.