Another Day, Another Loss…

Another day, Another loss…

 

Ivy: Guys, what happened in the fourth quarter? Did my Enya album session and tambourine circle not motivate you to go the distance?

Rudy: Coach I’ve about had it with this softie shit! We’re gettin our ass pounded out there every night!

Ivy: Well I dont know if thats neccessarily–

**O’Neill bursts through the wall, Kool-Aid Man style**

O’Neill: DONT YOU SAY IT, GIGGLEPANTIES!!! DONT YOU SAY A GODDAMN THING! HOW ABOUT I START SHITTING BRICKS…AND YOU GUYS ALL START SHOOTING BRICKS…AND WE WILL SEE WHO CAN BUILD A GODDAMN HOUSE FASTER!

Rudy: But Coach ONeill, its just–

ONeill: SHUT UP PRETTYBOY! YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE THE LANE, AND WEAVE AROUND THESE DEFENDERS LIKE A CHINK DRIVING DOWN 240 IN HER HATCHBACK! IM TALKING WEAVE, STICK AND MOVE, MOVE BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY BITCH, GET OUT THE WAY!

Mayo: Did you just sing Ludacris?

ONeill: WHAT?? ILL TELL YOU WHATS LUDICROUS! YOU LET THAT LITTLE STARVING CHILD MBAHAHAHA IN MY BOO-TAY OR WHATEVER HIS RIDICULOUS GODDAMN NAME IS GET 17 REBOUNDS. 17 REBOUNDS! HELL IVY, IF FOREIGNERS CAN REBOUND SO DAMN GOOD WHY DO WE HAVE BEEBLE-BOBBLE OVER HERE RIDING PINE?

Haddadi: Booga, Booga Booga. Booo Boo Booga, Booga Booga Boo. (Camels are wonderful. They have humps. My humps My Humps. I hear on radio. I rebound ball. Death to America.)

Ivy: Well Kevin, Hamed is inactive because he has to learn the game and how its played.

ONeill: YOUR BRAIN IS INACTIVE! HOW HARD IS IT TO REBOUND?? NONE OF THESE RHODES SCHOLARS SURE DID ANYTHING MORE THAN A PISSPOOR JOB TONIGHT, COULD HE HAVE DONE ANY WORSE? IF HE CAN FLY A PLANE INTO A BUILDING, HE CAN JUMP OVER ASSHOLES TO GET A BALL.

Ivy: Kevin, that is highly innappropriate.

ONeill: YOUR SUBSTITUTION PATTERNS ARE INAPPROPRIATE!! ILL ACT HOW I WANT TO ACT! I HAVE HAD A SHITTY WEEK! WE’VE LOST EVERY GODDAMN GAME WE’VE PLAYED, I CANNOT FIND MY STACKER 2, THEY ONLY HAD THE CHERRY FLAVORED LOZENGES AT THE WALGREENS IN SACRAMENTO, AND WHEN I WENT TO CRISTALS IN MEMPHIS TO FIND SOME NEW DVDS ALL THEY HAD WAS RECTUM SPECTRUM AND SOME GUY NAMED TOM SPLOOGE IN COCKTALES. NO DAMN ANGRY FACIAL PORN TO BE FOUND. SO DONT TALK TO ME ABOUT A BAD WEEK WHEN THE WORST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO YOU IS YOU FOUND ANOTHER CHEEKBONE JUTTING OUT OF THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE, OR YOU LOST THAT PAPER NAPKIN WITH THE ONE DAMN PLAY YOU HAVE WRITTEN DOWN THAT ISNT A HIGH POST HANDOFF, YOU LURCH MOTHERFUCKER!

Ivy: Im glad you let that all out, Kevin. Can we have a hug? I think it would benefit the team.

ONeill: NO WE CANNOT HAVE A HUG!!!

Lowry: Rudy’s right. Softies, and whatnot. Aint that right, Rudy?

Rudy: Yeah, thats right.

Lowry: Woooo…I know this man!!! Rudy you always right. Im about 10 games away from being the starter!

Conley: What?? Thats news to me.

ONeill: OH, I HOPE IT DOESNT PUSSIFY YOU INTO PLAYING LIKE A SHRIVELED UP DOG TAINT FOR A WEEK STRETCH AGAIN. LISTEN, THE PG POSITION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT POSITION AFTER DOGGYSTYLE. WE NEED YOU TO HAVE A CLEAR HEAD, MOTHERFUCKER!

Conley: I got a clear head, Coach. But…doggystyle?

ONeill: SO YOU CAN SHOOT IT IN HER HAIR DUMBASS!! ITS WHAT IVY’S THINNING SPOT WOULD CALL A BULLSEYE!

Ivy: Oh, Kev…now that was a bit uncalled for…Who needs a Kumbaya? Anyone?

ONeill: GODDAMMIT! THIS IS A FUCKING NBA TEAM AND COACH LURCH TRIES TO TURN THIS SHIT INTO HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL EVERY DAMN GAME! RECTUM SPECTRUM IT IS.

A Quick Look at Scrubs’ Careers The Grizzlies Have Helped (08-09 Version).

Nov 3 – Golden State

Is Biedrins a scrub? Most likely not, but there was no excuse for the Grizzlies to give that skinny punk-club geek this gem of a stat sheet:

16 pts, 22 rebounds (9 Offensive) and 8-14 from the field.

Also, Kellena Azubuike finished with 10 points and 3 rebounds. Our entire 5 bench players combined for 26. Great job, Memphis bench. Your scoring is more anemic than a diabetic woman’s bloodstream.

 

Nov 5 – Sacramento Kings

Jesus Christ.

Mikki Moore, or as I call him, Whoopi Goldberg with AIDS had 11 ribbies. Only 6 points, but 11 ribbies. Where was our frontcourt? The only excuse I will take is that Arthur and Hakim are at the Paula Deen Buffet putting some meat on them bones.

John Salmons, was scrubtastic in this one. 21 pts, 9 rebounds, 3 assists and a steal on 8-13 shooting. This kid was a nothing in Philadelphia and he burns our asses like a fart on fire in this game.

Jason Thompson’s line: 11 points, 6 rebounds and 2 steals on 5-11 shooting.

And finally:

Bobby Brown (No, not Whitney’s supplier) had 10 points, 2 ribbies and 5 assists on 4-4 shooting.

Giving up 13 points to Spencer Hawes wasnt good either. Only three rebounds though. Look for the Grizzlies to sign him eventually to bolster their lineup of Uninspiring, unathletic poor-rebounding 7 foot white men in the post, sans The Pain of Spain, Marc Gasol.

 

Nov 7 – Golden State Warriors

That little shit Azubuike went off again for 21 pts on 8-16 shooting, 6 ribbies, 1 steal and a block to boot. Maybe he isnt a scrub after all…I might have to leave his ass off of here from now on.

Rookie and walking skeleton and possibly Iavaroni’s half-black twin Anthony Randolph had 8 points, 7 rebounds and a block in SEVENTEEN MINUTES. Talk about efficient. I thought he was supposed to be a project? Maybe they should throw him in with the Grizzlies practice squad and they can develop him into a monster quicker.

 

Nov 9 – Denver Nuggets

Ronaldo “Nosey” Balkman had a scrubtastic game against us, with 12 points on 5-9 shooting, 6 rebounds, an assist to his credit and 2 steals. Maybe thats good for him, he can just blame Isiah for putting him in a position to be scrutinized since they wasted a good first round pick on a guy who the Denver announcers said was brought in to replace Eduardo Najera. Yeah, now thats first round pick material right there.

 

Nov 10 – Phoenix Suns

Matt Barnes had 8 points, 8 rebounds, 2 assists and a steal. If only he played good against other teams the way he plays against us, I might be mad we didnt hang onto him since we drafted him.

Nov 12 – New York Knicks

Who the fuck is Wilson Chandler?? On Nov 12, he was 27 points on 11-12 shooting, 4-4 from 3 point range, 7 ribbies, 3 assists, 3 steals and a block. Now that is some scrub love. There is that D’Antoni magic, but then there is scrub love as well.

Honorable mention goes to the Grizzlies great perimeter defense for allowing another former Grizzly, Anthony Roberson to go 3-3 from behind the line for 9 points, which I think is his season total of points scored as a Grizz.

 

Nov 14 – Milwaukee Bucks

L’Rah Mbah a Moute, aside from having a name so difficult to say I want to punch him in the face, had a game so good I also wanted to punch him in the face for that as well.

Check this shit out: 19 pts, 17 FUCKING ribbies, 2 assists, 1 steal and a block. There is no reason for him to have that kind of game against us.

Also, whoever Ramon Sessions is, he can thank the Grizz in his speech for being praised for his game tonight. 20 points on 50 percent shooting, 6 rebounds, 4 assists and a steal. Our starting PG who was a hell of a lot more touted and I believe more talented than Ramon Sessions, who tonight I shall refer to as Razor Ramon, had 7 pts, 7 rebounds, 4 assists, 3 steals and a block. By that logic, is Ramon Sessions on the level with or better than Mike Conley? No? Then chalk it up to a scrubtastic game against the Grizzlies. We seem to have that effect on certain players. I bet the Mark Madsens and Brian Scalabrines and the Sebastian Telfair-esque busts of the league love to see us on the schedule. They get a measure of redemption, and they get to look good against an NBA team.

In the Bucks game, I will tell you where this game was lost. Rebounding. We were outrebounded 62-36. They had more defensive rebounds than we had total rebounds. Mbah a Moute had more offensive rebounds than our entire team did. That is embarrasing, and should never happen to that degree. That was an abysmal rebounding performance by our team.

But the scrubs of the league love it.

A Gay Letter.

Dear Rudy,

Its the head writer here at Grizzinyoureye. For tracking purposes, you can call me by my alias, Adolf Oliver Bush.

I just wanted to write you a letter telling you I’m a huge fan of you, and your game. Your athleticism is insane, your hops are incredible. I like your hops almost as much as I like the ones in my ice cold Bud Light.

I just have one question for you, bro:

WHY THE FUCK YOU AINT USIN THE DAMN ATHLETICISM??

Seriously, man…You’re a 6′9 SF with improved handles (seriously, last season you were so bad with your hands on the ball I wouldnt trust you to be able to jerk yourself off) with the ability to take it strong to the hoop every time on usually smaller or at the least lesser athletic players than you. You could get to the line better than this jerkoff Kevin Martin, but you’re settling for 19, 21, sometimes 25 foot jumpers, some of them while you are double teamed!

We all know you’re better than that. Besides, you know these motherfuckers here in Memphis. They’ll be calling for your head on that elementary school class they call the message board if you have any more bad shooting nights. Fucking arm-chair GMs…bad shooting nights are part of the game.

BUT…

Im not telling you to stop shooting these jumpers, kid. Hell, last season and even this season somewhat Ive seen you drill these jumpers. But you need to make defenses honest! Dribble-drive and get into the lane, so they pack the lane at the meer sight of you. That will in turn create space so you can get these open looks from 15 feet on out. Not to mention, perhaps jump start our at times anemic offense. Seriously, does our bench intimidate anyone? Lowry, Ross and Buckner combine to score about as much as Rocky Dennis at a South Beach nightclub.

As for the double-teams, man this isnt last year!! You’ve got some help now, down low in the Euro-Thug and out on the wing with OJ “The Motherfuckin Truth” Mayo. Get the ball to someone if youre doubleteamed and tripleteamed. If Mayo keeps shooting at the clip he is shooting, and Marc stays solid, they cant double all three of you at once, and we all know you can break a man down one on one…You’re still the face of the team no matter what people are saying (You can have TWO faces of the team, A DUO!) but you dont have to be the only one on offense. It’d help you become a complete player to get some assists on your season averages now that you’ve got a couple of reliable players to pass to.

Sometimes Rudy, its enough to make a motherfucker want to choke you out because its frustrating that youre not using your God-given athleticism. Please use it, because I dont want to have to try and choke you out while giving up 9 inches and a shitload of muscle mass.

 

Love in Christ,

              Adolf Oliver Bush.

Pardon Our Vomit

We’re back after a temporary drunken spell that left in its wake a barrage of empty cans, fifths and shot glasses and resulted in us painting sharpie cocks on our friend’s face in hysterical laughter.

We have watched the games though, so we havent missed a beat and now neither will our readers.

–Once again, sorry for the lapse in blogging, but we were more fucked up than Courtney Love at the Pam Anderson roast.

 

–Grizzinyourface, Hugh G. Wang, Schlub.

It’s Always Sunny in Phoenix.

Tonight was another example of the ref’s bias to more “important” teams. Instead of getting calls like the rest, we get nothing. Then, we breathe on an opposing player, and we get hit with a flagrant foul, along with a technical. The refs might as well just kick our team in the nuts at the start of every game.

Tonight’s scenario takes place in the lockerroom following the Phoenix game.

*Cut to scene*

Iavaroni: Guys, I know we lost the game tonight, but you know what? Its ok! Jesus and I love you! You are all winners in my book. Remember, its doesn’t matter if you win or lose, its how cute you look in your uniform!

O.J: Coach, I thought the saying was its how you played the game?

Iavaroni: No, silly pants! Come here and give me a big hug.

O.J.: Uhhh, no thanks coach. I ain’t into that man on man love shit.

*O’neill comes screaming down the hallway like a drunken whore, and bursts through the door*

O’neill: What’s all this hugging shit?! The only time men should touch each other is when they are kicking each other’s ass! Pansy boy over here grew up in one of those “liberal” households, where a Dad tells his son he loves him and shit! THE ONLY THING MY FATHER EVER DID WAS PUT OUT HIS CIGARRETTES ON MY NECK, AND USE MY HEAD AS A TABLE FOR HIS BEER CANS. LOOK AT ME, I TURNED OUT FINE!

Rudy: Coach O’neill, why are your ears bleeding?

O’Neill: THAT’S NORMAL FOR ME RUDY, KEEPS MY HEAD FROM EXPLODING!

O’Neill: O.J. AND RUDY, YOU BOYS PLAYED A GREAT GAME TONIGHT, BUT THE REST OF YOU PISS POOR BASTARDS BETTER PICK YOUR GAME UP, OR YOU’LL BE ON THE STREET GIVING HANDJOBS FOR CRACK ROCKS PRETTY SOON!

Darko: Coach, I think I play good game tonight. I try hard and shoot the ball.

O’Neill: WHAT’S THAT, YOU OVERSIZED MONGOLOID? YOUR GAME IS ABOUT AS GOOD AS GETTING GANG RAPED BY AN AFRICAN GORILLA! I HAD A BETTER TIME IN VIETNAM THAN WATCHING YOU PLAY!

Darko: *Sobs*

O’Neill: I’LL GIVE YOUR GIANT ASS SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT! YOU THINK THAT YOUTUBE VIDEO OF YOU CUSSING ABOUT THE REFS AFTER THE GAME SCARES ME? I’VE TAKEN SHITS TOUGHER THAN YOU BOY!

Iavaroni: Now Kev, that’s no way to treat anybody! Lets all go out for lattes and get pedicures! My treat!

O’Neill: FIRST OFF, YOU CALL ME KEV AGAIN AND I’LL SLAP YOUR ASS SO HARD THAT YOUR TEAMMATES FROM PHILADELPHIA WILL FEEL IT! SECONDLY, THIS SISSY ASS MENTALITY OF YOUR’S HAS GOT TO STOP! I’M TAKING THESE BOYS OUT TO THE PONY WHEN WE LAND IN MEMPHIS, SHOW THEM THE ONLY PLACE WHERE PUSSIES SHOULD COME OUT TO PLAY!

Iavaroni: Oh my!

*End of scene*

There ya have it, folks. Twas another interesting lockerroom session again tonight. We will continue to keep you up to date with these stories, but for now……back to the party.

O.J. Mayo is the motherfunkin’ truth

Wow. There really is no way to put into words the amazing performances as of late by O.J. Mayo. Two 30  plus performances on this West Coast road trip, and 20 plus the other two.

Is this kid really a rookie? He sure doesn’t play like one. I’m the biggest Rudy Gay fan out there, but slowly and surely this kid is becoming the leader of our team.

Denver couldn’t stop him (but we lost). He bitch slapped Phoenix, he raped their guards (though we lost).

Point is, this kid is the truth, and is quickly becoming a force to be reckoned with. Pretty soon, he will be drawing a double team, then what are teams gonna do? Uh-oh, Rudy is open and he will shoot some Grizz power all in and around your face area.

It is becoming increasingly clearer that our team is slowly and surely coming together, and that we have 3 positions most certainly sured up. O.J. has either the 1 or 2 manned (he looked great at the point tonight), Rudy with the 3, and Grizzly Adams  Pau Gasol has the 5 spot sowed up.

Damn it feels good to be a Grizz fan. Yes, this team gets no respect from the officials, and yes we will lose a large amount of games this year; but they are on the right track. And mark this, this team will be competitive in EVERY single game they play. They are no longer an automatic W for the opposing team.

Grizz in your face.

Capspace or Crapshoot?

You know, I didnt really like Rashard Lewis to begin with.

I found him to be grossly overrated. Apparently Orlando did not.

His contract, that bloated mess for that overrated underachiever was ridiculous, and has fucked up the game for small markets trying to sign free agents. If Rashard Lewis can command that kind of salary, what is stopping these other, less or more talented players?

How can Memphis compete? Instead of lowballing Josh Smith in the hopes he would come here because he “supposedly” wanted out of Atlanta, the Grizzlies should have thrown everything they had at him. Cash, and showmanship. We need a great sales pitch. We arent a top 5 city in the country, lets face it. We need to play up strong points that players would care about, other than their monetary concerns. We here at GrizzInYourFace have an excerpt of a video we deem instructional in the correct way to pursue free agents. Tom Cruise will be playing the part of Michael Heisley,Bill Hader the part of Marc Iavaroni, and Matthew McConaghey as the potential free agent.

Observe and learn, Memphis, the correct way to lure free agents to a small market. Class, flash and showmanship:

Carmelo Promises To Score 44 for Obama, Rudy to score 45 for Palin.

Just kidding!

Melo failed to deliver on his promise to score 44 in honor of new president Barack Obama, when is this guy ever going to learn to keep his mouth shut until he can ACTUALLY deliver on something? Everything he says is always false. I’m waiting for another gem, perhaps “I guarantee victory over the Grizzlies,” or “I have an IQ of 165.”

The Grizzlies Get Their Liquor License.

We drink entirely too much…

Marc Gasol: Knob Creek. Can be had on the cheap, and Nasty as Hell.

Darrell Arthur: Yagermeister. You think it’s just another drink, it looks unassuming….until a few shots later and you realize it fucked with you.

Rudy Gay: Macallan Collection Whiskey. Stuff of this caliber doesn’t come around much, and if you get your hands on one, you hang on to it. You don’t overuse it, and you keep it for a long, long time. Pure class, and the top of the chain.

Mike Conley: Red Bull/Vodka. It could have been a sexy pick at the time, and can be used as a speed booster, and an energy man….however, it can also crash and burn and make you go “Why the hell did I do that?” usually while you’re laying in a pool of your own vomit and crumpled bedsheets.

Darko Milicic: Everclear. You know its terrible, but you think this is the time you can master it and it can work out for you. It doesnt take long for you to find out that you cant, and it’s still shitty, and gives you nothing but a headache and vomit to show for it.

Kyle Lowry: Guinness. Stout, and can be a good thing on some nights, and a bad thing on others.

Quinton Ross and Greg Buckner: Retarted bartenders, because they make a shot worth shit.

Hakim Warrick: Crown Royal. Slick packaging, believes its part of the elite class of whiskeys, but sadly it never will be.

OJ Mayo: Patron. Smooth, classy and can fuck you up just about every night you get enough of it.

Javaris Crittenton: Jose Cuervo. You think it might be good, in fact youre positive it could be, but youve got a good thing going with your Patron so why bring it off the shelf? Cmon, listen to Tracy Byrd. At least go ONE round with Jose Cuervo. See where it takes you.

Antoine Walker: Natural (Natty) Light. Horrible, fatty, outdone by so many others but still useful if the situation calls for it. However, most choose to just stay away.

Marko Jaric: Cosmopolitan. Overpriced, and a bit of a pansy, but always finds its way near a hot woman.

Hamed Haddadi: Camel Piss. Noone knows what its like for sure, we probably dont want to find out, so we just stay away from it at all costs. In fact, we wonder what the hell it is doing near the rest of our alcohol.

Grizzlies Give Up 100 Count:

One game.

Of course, K-Mart (the one who isn’t injured 90 percent of the time) and his free throws that were phantom calls in some cases helped.

We here at GrizzInYourFace will be keeping up with these games as our interest in the Grizzlies playing defense has been renewed.